God is always at work in me and in my life, any time I feel challenged with something or see that I am affected by something, then to me that’s the area where God has a work under construction. It might seem ‘self focused’ BUT there is great value in it and its only in acknowledging these struggles we have within ourselves and allowing God’s light to light up those areas that God’s healing and liberty can come into that place and free us up more, we can become more whole, who he wants us to become, be more like Him and serve him more fully. Don’t be afraid to look at those areas.
Well, today there’s something that I want to share with you but I am feeling a little insecure about it, it’s about insecurities! We all have insecurities don’t we? That’s what helps me to write this Light for Life; knowing this is something that affects us all if we will dare to look and admit it. Most of you are just the same as me, you probably have at least half the insecurities that I have and you probably have some other ones that I don’t have My topic was confirmed to me this morning when I had a conversation with a lovely lady at church, we chatted for a while and ended up talking about insecurities, her areas are different to mine at the moment but they have the same effect – they hinder us, she laughed when I told her what I was writing about this month! No I’m not the only one affected by insecurities!
Have you ever been through a season where you are so aware of your insecurities? I’ve been going through a period of time with several insecurities rising to the surface. At times they jump out and are highlighted to me… there’s even some major themes running too! It’s not like they have just appeared, they have been there all along but it seems now is the time to work through some of them. I have to say it is MOST unpleasant and I don’t like it at all, but, I don’t want my life to be run by insecurities so I need to stay right where I am and consider these insecurities, why they are there and how to overcome them. The hard thing is it seems to happen in many areas of our life… why is this insecurity beast such a strong one and what will it take to kill this beast?
To be honest, at times I feel so embarrassed with myself, I feel like its screaming out loud and everyone must know and see what these weaknesses are. And yes some of them are obvious to those close to me, as theirs may be to me, and of course you my readers know a lot of my weaknesses too :- ) but the deepest ones are really only known to me and Jesus. Phew!
When I think about the things I struggle with compared to the absolute purity that was and is Jesus I can only compare my weaknesses to filth, and if I focus on it for just a bit too long, it causes me to hang my head and feel overwhelmed…. but it’s not going to help me at all to go there! There is one thing for sure I can tell you, I don’t like this! I want to know how I can relax and change and let all these things go? Can I be set free and be unaffected by the things that affect me presently? Mmmm how nice would it be to be unaffected!!!
Over the last few weeks I have had some great running dialogue about insecurities with my friend and it has been so enlightening for both of us. I have been assessing and reassessing the boundary lines and where they should lie. I was telling her how weak and yucky seeing my insecurities make me feel and it was a relief to hear her say to me ‘it’s not you that’s weak and yucky….it’s your ‘flesh’, (another word for our flesh would be our humanity), boy did I need to hear that. The flesh, our humanity is often that yucky, sinful part of us that demands that we feed its hunger for self fulfillment, it doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable, and what it wants it wants now. In order for us to grow, become better people and more like our precious savior, it needs to be demolished piece by piece, and then the house of God can be built and take its rightful place in our hearts.
What happens is, as we really see these insecurities and weaknesses for what they are we don’t want them there any longer, its then we begin the process of separation from them. The flesh tries to bribe and trick us to stay; it won’t divorce us without a fight. She said it’s like I’m in a messy divorce with my flesh :- ) The flesh, humanity (me me me and what I need) and I, have been married a very long time…. almost 42 years in fact, I’m asking God why these particular insecurities are there and where these roots go back to! I want to be free; I don’t want to be controlled by these insecurities which at times turn me into a robot where I need to do or say something to protect myself to make me feel comfortable at the expense of what is balanced or good for me. I guess it will be always be a battle, but one worth fighting for.
Another friend of mine wrote to me recently and it was about belonging, and that is a part of it too. If we knew we BELONGED to God then the other needs for belonging should diminish! She said ‘A sense of belonging…is no longer on “the outside looking in”, but on “the inside looking out” ‘She said ‘I don’t quite know how to explain it but once you have that sense of belonging (in the beloved) you don’t really feel the need to belong anywhere else, so there is no more feeling like you are on “the outside looking in”. Well this much is true, I don’t think I have quite got to that place yet, I still so often find myself caught in wanting to belong, to be a part, to be a bit like others. I think it’s a natural desire that we have but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing, a good thing, or even what is meant to be. We all want that sense of being on the inside looking out… and we have to learn to accept that sometimes we will be on the outside looking in… That’s that hard part.
I was at the shops yesterday doing the grocery shopping walking around, I thought about the uncomfortable place that I’ve been in, the things that have tested me and stretched me, and for the first time, I knew this was where I was meant to be right now. I knew I was entering a new level of this lesson and I want to give this need in myself more over to Him. I didn’t think to pray ‘God please move me on and out of here’ but I prayed, ‘Lord I think I need to stay right here right now, I need to be here for a bit longer and I need the practice on this one, this work isn’t nearly finished!’. So here I will remain!
~By Cam Richmond~
~Written in August 2010~
~Word For Life~
The anxiety you experience when you feel vulnerable and insecure. Not sure or certain; doubtful. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe. Lacking stability; troubled. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.
A Struggle we have within our self (Me)
…. being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
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